Thursday, November 09, 2006

Just in case anyone is wondering, I’m still totally bummed out about the elections.

In lieu of whining, I thought we’d play the “do over” game.

I had a dream last night that involved high school in some way. I can’t really remember the details of it. But when I woke up, I had high school on the brain. And then when I was dropping my daughter off at daycare, I saw another mom who looked kind of familiar, but nothing was clicking as to why. She smiled at me, but it seemed a little awkward. At first I thought that maybe she was doing the same, “how do I know you” thing. But then it dawned on me, that chick went to my high school and she was a bitch!

I mean, not like just, “I’m popular and you aren’t so neener neener.” I think she and her friend tried to beat me up in the bathroom once. If I recall, it was because my BFF and her BFF were warring over a boy. Or, rather, my BFF had been deflowered long ago by a boy who her BFF was snogging currently. And so, that made us enemies.

There’s a strange code of ethics in high school, you know? I remember being cornered in the bathroom by those two girls. And thinking that I was gonna get my ass kicked. And then spending most of the rest of the year not going to the bathroom alone.

Can you even imagine what would happen if Kim and Suzie from accounting stalked you and cornered you in the third floor bathroom of your office building? You’d probably go straight to HR with a harassment complaint, their jobs would likely be on the line, and if they DID lay a finger on you they’d be arrested for assault. But not in high school. In high school you do everything you can to make sure that no one – especially not a teacher - catches wind of the situation. And then if you’re me, you hide.

Not that I wasn’t brave. I was just smart. They weren’t particularly burly, but there were two of them. And just a few seconds of hair pulling and bitch-slapping is bound to end with a lot of embarrassment on the part of the slapee. People in high school don’t run to your rescue. They stand in a circle and chant “GIRL FIGHT!”

So, if I had this particular day in high school to do over, what would I do?

I think I would have launched into a John Hughes-esque soliloquy about not wasting their energy on a pointless brawl that would likely get them kicked out of school and banned from graduation, but still wouldn’t change the sexual history of her boyfriend. And then I would have told them to go ahead and hit me if they must, but that I wouldn’t hit back. At that point, either someone would start slow clapping, or she would have decked me. Hard. Either way, I figure I’d win. Slow clapping immortalizes you in teen history as a rebel who changed high school culture for good. And getting hit means I could have sued their rich daddies for a trust fund. Plus I bet they would have gotten kicked out of private school and I could have peed in peace for the rest of my senior year.

As it stands, the evil sidekick and I are probably going to be seeing each other every morning. So I’ll conjure up some amnesia as it relates to this incident. But I’m not setting up a playdate unless she apologizes.



misanthropster said...

I'm totally slow clapping for you right now.

Clover said...


You like me, you really like me.