When did I turn into that cartoon character Maxine, with her saggy breasts and her general hatred of the entire universe? Oh, right, the day someone took my hormones and my stomach and strapped them in for a ride on the never ending tilt-a-whirl.
Things that are pissing me off right now:
1. Max and Ruby. I know I’ve ranted about those bunnies before, but seriously. WHAT GIVES??? Where are their parents, and why are they so nice to each other? Can’t they call each other names and lash out with some fur pulling like normal siblings?
2. What to Expect when You’re Expecting and the Best Odds Diet. I know better than to even read that book. But the other day I drug it out to see if it would give me any advice about what to do for constipation (romantic, yes?), and of course their advice was all about fiber and fluids and getting plenty of rest. And then there was this paragraph about how some women experiencing nausea had luck drinking hot water with lemon juice – BUT NO SUGAR. IF YOU EAT SUGAR YOUR BABY WILL HAVE FINS AND YOUR ASS WILL EXPAND TO THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND. And the second I read that my head exploded and I ran to the kitchen to eat brown sugar with a spoon. Azzhats. If the puking lady wants a Country Time Lemonade just freakin’ give her one. And then back away slowly before she uses that bottle cap as a weapon.
3. Didn’t I just shave my legs the other day?
4. Watermelon need to get in season RIGHT NOW. And the produce manager at Albertsons who allows those mushy flavorless imposters to parade around in watermelon rinds needs to be fired.
5. My phone has a stupid ring.
6. Confidential to the lady with the Caprice who parks next to me every day. Your car is disgusting. Clean it. You are going to die young if you eat as many French fries as your front seat indicates. Knock it off. And you need to learn how to park that damn thing between the yellow lines. Stat.
7. Mr. Golightly needs to understand that when I say I’m going to lunch, I mean that I need to eat something in the next 90 seconds or bad things will happen. Bad, bad, things. Instead, he gives me puppy eyes and holds up two fingers to indicate that I should wait for him because he is wrapping up his never ending conference call and if I could just be patient for two minutes he could accompany me to the sandwich place. And because I am a sucker I fall for this every freaking time. Even though two minutes turns into a span of time long enough for me to write down no less that 7 things that are pissing me off right now.