Thursday, August 16, 2007

I’m trying desperately to think of some fun and clever way to begin this post. But really want I want to do is flop down beside you sorority girl style and say, “Ohmigosh, you are NEVER going to belieeeeeve what I found stuck to my windshield yesterday.”

It’s a little newspaper called “Christian Ministries World Newsletter”. And after sitting in my car and reading it for a few minutes, I actually braved the “girl, you crazy?” stares of everyone else downtown that day who had been proselytized to and carried it two whole blocks back to my office so I could share it with you, gentle reader.

Let me just pull some quotes for you to give you a taste of what Pastor T is preachin’.

Headline: “Evil One-World Government Agents are Claiming to be United States Agents”

Body copy: “After quitting his diabolical work for Rome, under the pretense of being part of the United States government, [name withheld] tells how the United States of America’s law enforcement agencies are enforcing the Pope in Rome’s will on U.S. citizens.”

I guess because I am a Catholic, and already under the influence of the diabolical Pope in Rome, I hadn’t realized what a threat this really was.

For example, did you know that the Pope in Rome was responsible for the Killing of David Koresh? Did you KNOW THAT? It’s all right here in the seven page transcript of the phone conversation of [name withheld] to one D. Sweat of the Holy Christian Church volunteer prayer phone line. Apparently this poor soul, we’ll call him J, was totally overcome with all his pent up guilt and called the prayer line to confess his involvement in Waco, the Oklahoma City bombing, and both attacks on the World Trade Center. Actually, he called twice. They only printed one transcript because of the redundancy though. Natch. He’s former BATF, FBI and DEA you know. As evidenced by a full color photo of him in fatigues, and of course by his own admission in this chilling confession.

It all began when he volunteered for the government in 1988. Then the FBI “did him real dirty.” Then we interject a diatribe from the editor of the newspaper – presumably Pastor T – where we learn that Pearl Harbor was all a set up by the Pope in Rome, and the plan communicated to FDR (a puppet of the pope) by a homosexual Cardinal. Then back to J who goes on to tell us 5 more pages of things like, “the FBI, DEA, CIA, CFR are all branches of the Vatican.” “I’m not a white supremacist or anything, I’m a Christian first.” (White supremacist second? Third? Oh, right. Your stint with the KKK was an undercover op. Keep reading…) He was forced to frame some high ups with the KKK, and then when he refused to agree to assassinate Pastor T the FBI tried to frame him. But HA! Little did they know that he was in a hospital in an oxygen tent recovering from a highly secretive gunshot wound when THEY say he was doing whatever it is they were trying to frame him for. So they framed his youngest son instead. And I’ve got his high school prom picture here to prove it.

I’ve also got a picture of Pastor T, with the following really relevant caption. “[Pastor T] with the late superstar and congressman, Sonny Bono and Congresswoman Mary Bono (who loves her up some Pastor T in this photo I should add). All three are wearing [Pastor T] designer jackets, which are worn by hundreds of motion picture stars, entertainers, recording artists, sports figures, presidents, politicians, kings, queens, princes and princesses.

Presumably not by President Bush, however. As Pastor T labels him “the most Catholic President we’ve ever had.” And says that President Bush is advocating “Catholic Nazi terrorism, which is Roman cannon law.”

Man, I missed that in CCD class. I’m not a huge fan of the President or the new Pope though. So maybe I should jump on this bandwagon. Somebody sure as hell has. Because Pastor T is printing up his newsletter in full color on some nice heavy stock. And inside the the newsletter was another newsletter printed in full color on some nice glossy paper, with fancy illustrations of a “difficult mountain.” Or maybe he just makes so much money selling his designer jackets to famous people he can throw a lot of cash at his printing operations.

Here’s a little trivia. Did you know that Pastor T and his wife were married in a Baptist church in Las Vegas – despite not being Baptists at all, and their best man was none other than Hank Snow? Hank just happened to be there and stood in, but years later when he and Pastor T became best friends in Nashville, Pastor T never brought up their previous connection. And Hank never remembered it. Not even when he saw the pictures? Maybe, since Pastor T and his wife were actually married 3 times in Las Vegas, Hank just was confused about which ceremony he was Best Man in.

There are a lot of people who are totally inspired by Pastor T, just so you know and don’t think I’m making fun. Most of them live in places like Uruguay, Nigeria, Zambia and the like. They all write lovely letters and include photos. Maybe in the next newsletter there will be letters and photos of people right here in Hideyhoo who saw the light after the blanketing of our downtown with this inspired literature. Maybe my blog will be featured…

Fame, fortune, maybe even my own designer jacket? I tremble with anticipation.


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