Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Don’t you just love three day weekends? An extra day off to escape to the mountains and enjoy a little round the clock caretaking of your pre-schooler with the Martian Death Flu? Poor baby. She was really quite a trooper all things considered. I think today she is finally on the mend. Thank GOD. I hate to make it all about me, but man I am so done with phlegm and vomit. (Hey, did you know phlegm has a g in it? Who woulda thunk it…)

Ha! That is like the perfect segue for what I am dying to write about. I didn’t even plan that. I swear. But here goes. Speaking of phlegm and vomit, you wouldn’t believe the conversations I’ve been having at work about smelly vaginal discharge and open sores on genitalia.

It’s funny really. We are working on a web site for the Department of Health and Welfare about STD prevention. And so me and this guy who I just met have swapped approximately a brazillion emails about proper cleaning of sex toys and photographic demonstrations of how to properly put on a condom. (Also called a “rubber” by a bunch of adults who have had sex with an average of 1.5 people and who work either in marketing or for the Department of Health and Welfare, and who are trying to sound like young, cool, sexually experimental hipsters. You can tell I’m one of the former by my use of the word hipster just now. Here are other words and phrases that old people who are trying to sound like young people use, but shouldn’t: horny, prude, and playing with yourself.)

In addition to all the neat emails with subject lines like, "Condoms" and "Meeting to discuss STD", it's been really fun to leave voicemails for Mr. G that say things like, "I need to talk to you about Gonorrhea." Or the other day when he had someone in his office and I was all, "Don't forget about our 3:00 STD call." Because as previously mentioned I have the sense of humor of a 4th grader.

In all seriousness though, in addition to a whole bunch of medical information that’s probably good to know even though reading it was a lot like having a fish hook inserted in my eye, this is what I have learned this week about STD’s:

1) Everyone has one. EVERYONE. I’m not even making that up. It’s sofa king freaky how many people have STDs. Shudder

2) They can be transmitted a lot of ways, one of those being stupidity. I’m just sayin’. I thought that this generation of young people was supposed to be all knowledgeable and careful and stuff. I didn’t think that line about how “condoms just don’t feel right baby” was still in circulation. GIRLS. Come ON. Magic Johnson was supposed to have brought AIDS and HIV out of the closet so to speak. Get with the program and protect yourselves. DUH. Wait, is it because they are too young? Do we need another iconic hero to get HIV so that today’s youth will get it? Hmm. Interesting theory.

3) Have you ever even heard of scabies??? OMG, I am so thankful that I’m married to a nice clean boy who doesn’t even look at other girls.

4) Sorry, that last one wasn’t really in the form of “what I’ve learned.” I’m just so freaked out. Seriously. EVERYONE HAS ONE. Even virgins get STD’s now.

5) Sweet Pea and the Little Prince will never get one. Because I am going to be SuperMom and educate them as soon as they notice members of the opposite sex. And also I am going to lock them in the house and fit them with chastity gear.

6) Seriously. Scabies. Nasty.

Ok. I’ve just gotten myself into such a parental nightmare tizzy that I have to quit typing now. Have a chaste evening and if you need to learn more about condoms please visit: The Truth About Condoms

And if you would just like to laugh your azz off about funny Japanese monkey condoms go here: Sanrio Condoms



Anonymous said...

Ah, this brings back memories of when I had to leave work to pick up Clover's cousin from 9th grade health class because the STD slides make him barf.
Love, Aunty M.

scarlett said...

All I have to say is uugghhhh! Can gigi and the little man come hang with Sweet Pea and the little prince when they are teenagers. We can lock them all up together! Oh,the little man informed me tonight that he would teach the little prince how to date. He said that when the little prince is in 3rd grade trying to get a girlfriend he would be and I quote "kissing his way into college" again uugghhh! Where is the chastity gear!

Clover said...


Oh my. Too funny. All of it.

Kissing his way into college. 9th grade health class. Shudder.

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