Sunday, May 18, 2008

So. Unfortunately, I was not getting the flu. I was getting matitis. And mastitis, to put it mildly, SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. You do not want to get it. No rosy La Leche "but it's worth it!" spin on that one. Mastitis = suckage, Do. Not. Get. It. That said, if you are nursing, I don't know how to tell you to avoid it, so good luck with that.

I do not want to whine about me right now though. I want to share some heartbreak instead. I know that makes reading my blog not very fun today. But please bear with me, because my heart is in fact, broken.

I got an email via my blackberry on Saturday from a friend from high school. She did a nice "how have you been" intro, and then asked me if we were planning on doing any kind of memorial for "A". My heart sank. I didn't know that we would be needing to plan any memorials.

So as soon as I could, which happened to be this morning, I drug out my laptop and did a Google search for his name. Sure enough the obituary popped up. It is vague. And as much as I am NOT hoping that he had any kind of terminal illness that involved any kind of pain or suffering. I am hoping that my friend did not meet his death in the way that most vague obituaries of people who die too young imply.

I cannot fathom a world where this person, who was so kind. And smart. And funny. And generous...I cannot fathom a world where he questioned the value of his own life.

I bought a card to send to his parents. I had to rewrite it 3 times. (Should have bought 3 cards, now this one looks a little like an art project. But still...) I just can't find the words. I would give anything to go back in time to 3 weeks ago. I would Google him and call him up out of the blue like some crazyassed stalker and MAKE HIM come hang out with me and my crazy kids. Or I would show up on his doorstep with dinner in a sack and a few hours to spend doing nothing but talking and laughing, and crying if need be. I would bring yearbooks. I would tell him stories of all the things he did and said that touched me and made me who I am today. I would remind him of all the people who call him friend. Hell, I'd call them up and bring them with me.

Damnit.

~Clover

1 comment:

scarlett said...

I am feeling for you sister! Never had it but I had friends that did. I am sorry to hear about your friend. That is so hard and you just wish there was something that you could have done.