Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Just some cute pictures to share of the wee ones.

Sweet Pea on skis for the first time (who looks more excited, my girl or her dad?):

A couple pictures of the Little Prince that I took this AM:

The picture we sent to Santa when we begged for a real sled:

Next week you'll be treated to pictures from ballet class. I was totally that mom and cried in the little waiting room from the sheer cuteness of it all.

Midnight aproaches. Yawn. Nighty night.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Don’t you just love three day weekends? An extra day off to escape to the mountains and enjoy a little round the clock caretaking of your pre-schooler with the Martian Death Flu? Poor baby. She was really quite a trooper all things considered. I think today she is finally on the mend. Thank GOD. I hate to make it all about me, but man I am so done with phlegm and vomit. (Hey, did you know phlegm has a g in it? Who woulda thunk it…)

Ha! That is like the perfect segue for what I am dying to write about. I didn’t even plan that. I swear. But here goes. Speaking of phlegm and vomit, you wouldn’t believe the conversations I’ve been having at work about smelly vaginal discharge and open sores on genitalia.

It’s funny really. We are working on a web site for the Department of Health and Welfare about STD prevention. And so me and this guy who I just met have swapped approximately a brazillion emails about proper cleaning of sex toys and photographic demonstrations of how to properly put on a condom. (Also called a “rubber” by a bunch of adults who have had sex with an average of 1.5 people and who work either in marketing or for the Department of Health and Welfare, and who are trying to sound like young, cool, sexually experimental hipsters. You can tell I’m one of the former by my use of the word hipster just now. Here are other words and phrases that old people who are trying to sound like young people use, but shouldn’t: horny, prude, and playing with yourself.)

In addition to all the neat emails with subject lines like, "Condoms" and "Meeting to discuss STD", it's been really fun to leave voicemails for Mr. G that say things like, "I need to talk to you about Gonorrhea." Or the other day when he had someone in his office and I was all, "Don't forget about our 3:00 STD call." Because as previously mentioned I have the sense of humor of a 4th grader.

In all seriousness though, in addition to a whole bunch of medical information that’s probably good to know even though reading it was a lot like having a fish hook inserted in my eye, this is what I have learned this week about STD’s:

1) Everyone has one. EVERYONE. I’m not even making that up. It’s sofa king freaky how many people have STDs. Shudder

2) They can be transmitted a lot of ways, one of those being stupidity. I’m just sayin’. I thought that this generation of young people was supposed to be all knowledgeable and careful and stuff. I didn’t think that line about how “condoms just don’t feel right baby” was still in circulation. GIRLS. Come ON. Magic Johnson was supposed to have brought AIDS and HIV out of the closet so to speak. Get with the program and protect yourselves. DUH. Wait, is it because they are too young? Do we need another iconic hero to get HIV so that today’s youth will get it? Hmm. Interesting theory.

3) Have you ever even heard of scabies??? OMG, I am so thankful that I’m married to a nice clean boy who doesn’t even look at other girls.

4) Sorry, that last one wasn’t really in the form of “what I’ve learned.” I’m just so freaked out. Seriously. EVERYONE HAS ONE. Even virgins get STD’s now.

5) Sweet Pea and the Little Prince will never get one. Because I am going to be SuperMom and educate them as soon as they notice members of the opposite sex. And also I am going to lock them in the house and fit them with chastity gear.

6) Seriously. Scabies. Nasty.

Ok. I’ve just gotten myself into such a parental nightmare tizzy that I have to quit typing now. Have a chaste evening and if you need to learn more about condoms please visit: The Truth About Condoms

And if you would just like to laugh your azz off about funny Japanese monkey condoms go here: Sanrio Condoms


Monday, January 14, 2008

Way Too Important/Divided We Fail

In all the political noise out there right now, this is what is speaking to me.


Some stuff I'm thinking about right now. Much of which will cause my friend the SuperGenius to want to scratch his eyes out. Take this for example:

I got some new panties at Victoria's Secret the other day. (If someone gets a hold of Vickie to ask her what her secret is, ask her why oh why do they have 84,000 pairs of extra small panties in their sale bins, but no mediums?) Anyway, it was totally depressing. Because 1) I am not extra small. Apparently no one else is either, but no matter. Just being in Victoria's Secret makes you want to be extra small. And 2) I have reached a new level of old. I am now so old that it is actually difficult for me to find the type of underpants I like to wear.

OMG. I'm talking about my underpants on the Interweb. Is that naughty?

For real though, what happened to nice cotton bikini cut underpants? What UP with all the butt floss? WHY do I need my ass to read like a billboard on I-90? And finally, what self respecting 30 something wants underpants that extol the virtues of cupcakes? Ok. Well, maybe that part was kind of cute. Sweet Pea likes my cupcake underpants I suppose.

Where was I going with all that? Oh. Right. So since I am so ancient my underwear choices have become "that ain't gonna cover up my biznez" and "doubles as a main sail", I decided to try a whole new panty. (Are you still with me Brian or have you given yourself a lobotomy?) I bought a pair of these:

They are so comfortable and cute it makes me want to cry a little. Once again, THANK YOU Victoria's Secret for rescuing me from myself. What was I thinking these long years that I have been away, shopping like some filthy commoner in the Haines department at Shopko? Buying sensible instead of sexy? I'm back. I promise to only shop GAP Body for sweatpants and tank tops. I forgive you for all that uglyassed PINK crap. I'm still a little annoyed about the fugly-capri-gymsweats-pajamas, but I'll get over it if you just keep making these panties in girlie colors and a size medium. Please and thanks.


It is the beginning of the Legislative season here in Hideyhoo. And we all know why that sucks, right? Correct. It messes with my already tenuous parking situation. I have had to use overflow parking 3 times in the last 4 days. Meaning that I have had to park really far away. And it’s cold outside. Pout. Pout. Pout. So today, when I got to my parking lot, and to no one’s surprise found it full, I just drove myself to the overflow parking lot. (And parked in spot #69, which made me giggle because I am 12.) Then I called the parking company and told them where I was and in which spot. (giggle, 69. Still funny.) Just like they told me to do last legislative season. Except this time, the guy on the phone goes, “(SIGH) Um. Ok. (SIGH) But next time, could you call me first before you go ahead and park?”

And then I had to rip him a new one. I know sixty bucks a month to park isn’t a lot by some standards. But it seems like it earns me a little customer service. Which is exactly what I was thinking as I stomped the 5 blocks back to my office. And then I saw The Chronic Cab. I swear to God that I am not making any of this up. It is an old beat up sedan that appears to have been spray painted green, and then had “The Chronic Cab” stenciled on the side. .

I was instantly happy and completely over my parking fury. That’s what the Chronic Cab will do for you.


Friday, January 11, 2008

I'm back at work this week, and absolutely astounded that 5 days passed without me finding more than the next 3 minutes to write something here.

It's not for lack of interest in my lettle blog, trust me. I have volumes floating around in my head about life with The Little Prince, the many adventures of Sweet Pea, the start of the Legislative season here in Hideyhoo, the Presidential Elections, the Disney Princess Coup about to take place at my house, snow in the mountains, environmentally friendly laundry soap vs. breast milk split-up (ok, maybe you'd rather I keep some of that to myself?), weather appropriate clothing and a possible spinoff post about decent winter boots, New Year's resolutions that don't make people want to punch you in the mouth, daydreams about warm weather vacations, help making a decision about a new hairstyle...the list goes on.

Plus I know that most of the modern world is anxiously awaiting the play by play of how I birthed an 8 pounder without the aid of pain managing drugs. You so want to know about that, right? (Well tough cheese, it's my blog and it makes me feel like a freakin' ROCK STAR. So I'm probably going to type it all out for the world to read. I may even include pictures. So there.)

But that will have to wait. Because now I have to shut down and go pick up my children. Yes, that's right. Children PLURAL. So. Weird.

Have a great weekend you teeming mass of Clover fans. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Oh man, that is such a lie. Someone please drink a bottle of wine, dance until you’re sweaty with a scantily clad person who makes you feel sexy, and spend $300 on a pair of shoes. I probably won’t be doing any of that this weekend. Well, maybe #2. If he’s lucky.

Glad to be back.